No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
