i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
