I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
