The maid of honor just puked.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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