I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
