I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
