I don't think brook has ever known best
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
