it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
