Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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