Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
