See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
