you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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