She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
