I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
