you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
