I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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