You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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