I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
