...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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