Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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