Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
