you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
