I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
