dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
