I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
