I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
