my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
