my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
