Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
