im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
why is half of my head shaved?
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