I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's never too late to be topless.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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