The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
