Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
