Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
