question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
