You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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