omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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