Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
