If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
