why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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