I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
