I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
