Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Randomize
