If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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