I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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