my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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