Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
