i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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