I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
