My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
drinking out of a sandbucket again
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
