Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
