Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
