My first STD was from a foam party
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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