you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
