just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
