You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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