her vagina looked like bernie madoff
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
A bitchslap is in order.
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